Laughter is the Best Medicine

by Patrick Dykie

    

      Back in June, I posted some of my tweets from my twitter account. This is the second installment of my “Laughter is the Best Medicine” feature. I like to write in many different genres. At the Dark Globe, I’ve written serious posts, some that weren’t so serious, ones on health and fitness, the economy, and a few short stories. I’ve also tried my hand at subtle humor with my Slice of Life Series. I even posted a poem. My favorite type of writing though has always been humor. I love to make people laugh, and forget about their problems for a while. I’ve often dreamed of being a stand-up comedian, but  life hasn’t led me in that direction. I have another blog called “Simple Observations,” where I write most of my humor. Here are a few more of my one-liners. I hope you don’t mind me being a little silly.

I think my wife is cheating on me. She says she has a new job, and she spent the night with a John. John, huh. All I need now is to get his last name.

Things are tough for my wife. She’s having trouble keeping her head above water. I feel bad because I was the one who tied the concrete blocks to her legs.

What do you get when a Priest dresses up in a Halloween costume? You get a blessing in disguise.

I made the mistake of going to a restaurant for Cannibals. I realized things weren’t quite right when my waiter asked how he could serve me.

I lost on the “Wheel of Fortune” show. I just couldn’t concentrate because I needed to buy a vowel, but I had to take a “Pee.”

 I heard they crossed a mathematician with twenty karate students. I don’t know what they got, but they now have safety in numbers.

After eighteen years of marriage I noticed that in order to get in the mood for sex I need to have three or four shots; of heroin!

Did this ever happen to you? I fell into a lens grinding machine at an eye-wear factory. It appears that I made a spectacle of myself.

My doctor told me that I have one foot in the grave. I might just make it, but my wife has to stop dragging the other foot forward.

My dentist told me that my insurance wouldn’t pay for laughing gas anymore, but if I wanted he would chuckle hilariously, while farting on me.

I got a job as a security guard in a funeral home. I don’t mind being around cold, stiff and unmoving bodies. You should see my wife in bed.

Genetic Scientists have crossed a prostitute and a Nun. She doesn’t have to turn tricks anymore, but she still does it out of habit.

Did you hear that scientists crossed an Imam with an adulterous? I don’t know what they got, but she keeps throwing rocks at herself.

My wife has always been attracted to feet. I’ve always loved faces. I said, “Honey, can’t we just for once, meet in the middle?”

My wife said she married me because I was straight. She said those other guys were nice, but she just wasn’t into hunchbacks anymore.

I had a female friend for dinner along with wine. I could see she was half-baked, so I put her back in the oven for another half an hour.

My wife has always believed in second chances. She dug me back up, hit me with the same shovel, and then re-buried me.

Years ago I was hypnotized by my wife’s beauty. Last week someone snapped their fingers while we were at a restaurant. What the heck?

I was at a French Restaurant the other night, and asked for snails. That’s the last time I do that. They seemed to take forever.

I was in a jazz club once and was told I didn’t have any soul. I pointed at the ring on my finger and said, “I’m married, of course I don’t.”

My wife said she wanted to make love, and scream so loud that she would wake all the neighbors. So I put a snake in our bed.

When I first met and married my wife I always thought I was living a dream. After eighteen years I have one thing to say. Please somebody; wake me up!

My neighbor had a fire. I helped him drag his freezer full of pork products out of his garage. He said, “Thanks, you really saved my bacon.”

I asked my wife if she wanted to go on a second honeymoon. She said yes, she would love it. She then divorced me and remarried.

I don’t understand all the fuss about same-sex marriage. I’ve been married eighteen years, and for the last fifteen we’ve had the exact same boring sex.

I work at a bar, opened my tip jar and found only tiny pieces of paper. Hmmm….. I did get tips; lose weight, don’t have kids, wear a paper bag….

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2 Comments to “Laughter is the Best Medicine”

  1. Are you channeling Henny Youngman or Jack Benny? :)

  2. You’re right Lorna. They do sound a lot like some of those men’s one-liners. I love old time humor. Take my wife; PLEASE…..!

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