Searching For Doors

by The Maze

Hmmm.. This a crap alternative to the doors in Matrix Reloaded!

I’ve had some pretty strange (and even traumatic) experiences of late, and they had left me in that unfortunate and frozen state called “depression”. One of the things that happened was I had that dreadful sense of…nothing. I wanted nothing, I hoped for nothing. As long as nothing happened, I had a strange sense of comfort. Very weird, but felt right.

When I started coming out of it though, there was this new sense of searching within me. I was looking for…something. I knew hope was returning to my mental senses, and you can’t have hope without a desire to seek out something. I was hungry again. Not in an extreme way (though that will come), but I just knew my soul had “lost weight”, and only a journey would replenish it.

All the previous desires and dreams started to trickle in again. I found that depression really blocks all that out, that’s why it’s so hard to come out of it even after a long time. It will keep only the problems (and your alleged powerlessness to deal with them) at the centre of your thoughts, hopes are swallowed up quickly. BUT, I found myself able to get into the mode of having a need to achieve some things, gain some positive momentum in my life. I could hold on to some of these desires long enough to get the process started, and even if the depression tried to rob me, the train was moving and almost impossible to get off without adding tonnes more guilt!

Part of the trick was to just keep moving, and keep trying, and not letting feelings change my course, because this sadness was just chasing me everywhere I went. I looked at all my previous hopes and just kept knocking at each of their doors until something opened up to me! I couldn’t stop. Just as depression kept me happy with “nothing”, I now couldn’t live without “something”.

I was searching for doors that would let me in. Searching for hope to give me a purpose again.

It happens like this so much. I wrote a post about hopelessness once, and knew that if I stayed hopeless, I ran the risk of never coming out. It’s true for many of us, and something kicks in that opens up our hearts to trying to achieve something again.

Whether you’ve lived a life full of things you never liked and you’re now pursuing that dream you always had to rebuild a car… Or even if you’ve always achieved what you desired… we tend to look for another venture to fill us again, excite us again. Maybe for a divorcee, someone to love us again. To continue living, there MUST be a reason!

I’m glad for this little bit of crucial programming in the human heart. It’s sad that sometimes you can be so beaten that you can forget to start dreaming again. I’ve seen it in people close to me, and there’s no words that will work, only an internal decision: “I will live again!”

Writing is one such door for me, and it’s proving to work out. It looks like soon I’ll be a paid writer for a website. All that’s left is for the salary to be agreed upon. I feared I wasn’t “good enough”, yet here I am after a little under a year of writing through my blog.

I’ve wanted to be a life coach for a while, and now have my first paying client! I feared that I wasn’t “experienced enough”, but realised that through my work as a pastor (yes I’m also a pastor!), I’ve actually been doing it for a few years now! I just needed to learn how to appreciate the experiences that had brought me ‘here’.

Maybe you’re content, maybe you’re broken, maybe you’re succeeding beyond your wildest dreams. Wherever you are, just don’t forget:

Keep searching for doors! One will open up to you, with the only criteria being that you be who you have always been.

(That being said, “who you are” needs to be seen from a balanced point of view. Stop exalting your failures, let your positive traits shine through. You’ll realise “Hey, I’m not so bad.”)


[Image source:]

6 Comments to “Searching For Doors”

  1. Hi There…my word you lead a full life…I am very impressed.
    Thankfully, I very seldom get depressed.

    • Thanks Granny1947
      My life IS full, but a lot of it wasn’t benefiting me much at all. Am hoping this year that all starts to change, so that I can give more to the people around me. Don’t want to be running on empty all my life.

  2. My next post all about depression, and i’m doing because my wife suffers from it and the documents may be a help to others.

  3. Hi,
    Will it be here, or on your personal blog? Will be looking out for it… I can see that its not something that goes away because of positive moments. My guard has to be up constantly.

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