You’ve read my posts, some of you may have even liked my posts but you must be wondering, “Who is this mysterious handsome man they call ‘Ace’?”
Don’t feel guilty, you’d be right for asking because if you read Evolution of Insanity, you only get to know what’s happening in my daily life, to an outsider I’m just some guy that constantly moans about being screwed over by work and people; while it is true these things happen alot, don’t they to most people?
Thus I have decided to let you all in on who is the real Peter Howorth and why I am so great.
This idea came about around an hour ago when I realised how early in the morning it was and how much I didn’t need sleep. Rather than think, “I should go to bed.” I thought, “I should be letting others know my awesomeness.”
So here it is, ten reasons why I am awesome:
1. I AM A MASTER OF DISGUISE
I have lost count how many times I have been forced to elude enemies via the skill of disguising myself as something totally different. You may think you know who and where I am, but you my friends would be mistaken because before you know it; that slice of bacon with a hat and pipe has already slithered past you like a fox and gotten away.
2. I HAVE SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH
Look at how I am about to pick up not only that massive… thing, but also needed the extra weight of a friend hanging off the side to make it a challenge. I’ve always been strong, I remain undefeated at arm wrestling and trust me when I say, I have wrestled some mammoth’s in my time. (Not actual mammoth’s, not until we clone them at least)
I have picked up people far bigger than myself and thrown them a distance far longer than anyone would have ever expected. I once even lifted the back end of my Fiesta, which while it did give me a bad back for 5 weeks; still happened and I remained victorious.
3. I HAVE AN EXCELLENT SENSE OF BALLANCE
See that for a balancing act? And they said I’d never be able to make it in the third world. Give me a hundred pails of water and you can consider that carried to wherever it needed to be! Don’t for one second think I’m a one trick pony, I can balance pints of beer on my head, on the back of my hands, balance an ash tray on my knee, a tennis ball on my elbow… You name it, I’ve balanced it.
4. I’M A SKILLED ARTIST
Depicting a classic scene there… They said to me in school, “Peter; what is this… shit you’ve drawn?” and from that moment forth I knew I was destined to be a great artist. Like all artists though there were some that just didn’t know what my art was about. They were blind to true talent, people say Picasso was brilliant but because I didn’t chop off an ear, I was given an ungraded in my Art exam at school. While the qualification isn’t there, we all know the talent is.
5. I’M INCREDIBLY “G”
On the outside, I may look like some white boy from the back streets of no where dangerous but let me tell you; I know people.
I know people that know people that know people that do things that’ll make Santa Claus himself cry. The picture above depicts what I’d usually wear before I go and steal an old womans handbag, as I yell, “EASY BITCH GIF ME YO BAG N WEARS N SHIT YEH OR ILL MESS U UP! FO REEL”. *shudder* Oooh, sometimes I even look over my own shoulder to make sure I’m not there.
6. I’M BRILLIANT AT BOXING
Not just boxing, when you’re out on the town you can hardly be giving people a “bunch of fives” and expect to be able to buy a drink at the same time, so I usually take out that frustration on these boxing machine type things that are found in various pubs scattered across the world. The fact that I’ve broken my hand on these around 5 times since they came out only fortifies my willingness to impress. If I get the top score on one of these, it’s worth a few broken digits amirite?
7. I’M JUST TOO HANDSOME
Simmer down ladies, I’m only 14 in this photo! But who can blame you right? Look at those pythons connected to my shoulders! Look at that body, the face! As you can imagine I often have women falling at my feet, even more so when I was younger; it didn’t matter where I was – I was never too busy to bust out a pose for the ladies. See those two in the corner? They’re totally blushing and can’t bear to look for fear of swooning.
8. I AM CALM
There is a running joke with some of the people that follow my blog and that’s my intense level of calmness, if you have read the true story of my first interview you’ll know what I mean. But trust me when I say when faced with adversity, the best thing you can have is a high amount of calmness. Otherwise you’ll be making be mistakes and before you know it you’ll be six foot under getting ear raped by worms. It took me years to achieve the mental state I am able to reach and it matters not where I am calm, sometimes I just bust out a calm five minutes randomly.
9. I FEEL NO PAIN
Pictured above is probably the most painful experience one could take. A Chinese massage – by real Chinese people. She was 19, hot, slender, gentle… until she wasn’t. This was the last time I felt pain as she dug her bony elbows into my shoulders, pulled my knees out of the sockets, dug her own knees into my spine leaving me with spinal bruising afterwards. Since this moment I have been unable to feel pain, you name it; broken bones, hemorrhoids, twisting your ankle went walking off the curb, paper cuts. I can take it all and not even flinch all thanks to this woman.
10. I HAVE CHEATED DEATH
There have been many times where the Reaper thought he was going to have to swing his scythe and deliver the Great Peter Howorth to the Devil’s sex room and there have been many times where I have averted Lucifer’s naughty advances. Whether it nearly being hit by cars, playing with knives, messing around with matches, running with scissors etc.. the most recent time happened about six months ago (how time flies!) when I climbed up on a wall to get to a car park at work and stood up directly underneath a steel parking sign. People that were there estimated I lost about three pints of blood as I filled the sink in the kitchenette area at work. Had the office been closed when I did this, I would have almost certainly bled to death considering I didn’t know where the nearest hospital was and by the time I’d be able to get to the hospital I did know I’d have passed out and the car would have swerved off the motorway and I’d have died anyway.
Lucky for me there were people who knew what to do and get me to a hospital so the doctor could glue my wound. Death had sharpened his bendy blade for nothing once more. No doubt Death will catch me eventually, but it wasn’t on that day and it shan’t be on any day anytime soon!
So as you can all see, I am pretty fantastic and don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely modest too! I feel a whole lot closer to you lovely readers now I’ve shared such things with you.
Tune in next week when I try to find 10 reasons why I’m not so awesome!