If you’re anyone with any kind of taste you’d have already read the 10 Reasons Why Pete Is Awesome where I show you why I am quite possibly the most awesome man that ever lived.
But of course I’m a serious journalist, I don’t just give one side of the story so that is why I have come up with a list of 10 reasons why I’m not awesome.
Let me assure you that there are many more than 10 reasons why I am awesome, however when it came to do the list about why I’m not awesome, it was one of the hardest tasks I have ever untaken, but because I am so awesome I have found ten reasons why I’m not so awesome.
Well at the time of this writing, I have found 8 reasons but by the time those 8 are written I’m sure I can come up with a couple more.
So behold the ten reasons why I’m not as awesome as you may think:
1. I LOOK LIKE TOM SELLECK WHEN I GROW FACIAL HAIR
You may think that Tom Selleck is a pretty awesome guy, and you’d be right for doing so because the man is maybe just as awesome as I am. But what isn’t awesome is how his mustache looks on my face, imagine having been made to walk around a music festival for a whole weekend like this, not only is this embarrassing enough but I also have eyeliner on. Not a look that gets hot chicks into the sack.
2. I’M NO GOOD AT SKIING
A couple of years ago now I went to France to do a Ski Season in the French Alps, man was it cold up there; luckily however I like the cold weather so I didn’t mind all that much. What I did mind was the fact that I was expected to ski while I was there, I tried to hold off as much as I could however some friends forced me to go and the picture above was pretty much the result. I couldn’t slow down, I couldn’t go in a straight line, I clotheslined an old woman before kicking a child in the face with my ski because I fell on my ass as they were coming right towards me. I am a man of many talents, one of them is not skiing.
3. I AM A CROSS DRESSER
I don’t know about you but I have a dark mind, there are secrets I hold that would make Mother Teresa swear. But I can’t help it, there’s nothing I like more than to agree to house sit a friends house while they go on holiday, sneak into their underwear drawer then start trying on their under garments. If you think it stops at just the bra; think again. There’s a couple of insane shots of me wearing some leopard skin knickers floating about the internet. Trust me when I say, they are NOT flattering.
4. I SMELL MY FINGERS
It doesn’t matter where I’ve had them, I can’t help but get a sense of what my fingers smell like. Some times if I’ve had a packet of crisps, prawn cocktail; I’ll smell them for hours. It doesn’t matter who sees it or whether or not they have a camera in their hand. Sometimes I’ll randomly walk down a street in the town centre on my own; probably looking for Will and Grace DVDs and I’ll just bust out a finger smelling. If it makes you feel better, they usually smell of coconut because of this awesome moisterising cream my ex-girlfriend left at my house.
5. I’M REALLY BAD AT PARKING
When I learned how to drive a few years ago now, I used to be the Jean Claude Van-Damme at parking, it didn’t matter what kind of parking the instructor asked me to do, parallel parking, bay parking, hell I could even reverse into a bay and still be in the lines. Since passing my test I’ve really gone down hill at it. I mean seriously, you ask me to park in between two cars on a road I’ll either hit the curb, hit the car or hit a pensioner. So usually nowadays I just leave half of it on the path, screw pedestrians.
6. I CRY AT WEDDINGS
This was at my best friends wedding, he’s the one person I actually consider a brother in every sense of the word. A few years ago we fell out, mainly because his wife is basically a hot headed, opinionated, firey female version of me. So we were bound to clash at some point. Unfortunately the falling out lasted a couple of years; however thanks to a mutual good friend of ours we reunited and I was asked to be best man at their wedding. I wrote an epic speech, it made EVERYONE cry because of the emotion involved, however what wasn’t awesome was that just reading it outloud made me begin crying like a little school girl.
7. I CAN NEVER GET A MOMENTS REST
Sometimes it’s like I can’t pass out due to alcohol abuse while wearing a sleeveless dressing gown without being photographed and attacked by cats. Usually there’s always some animal that’s walking around wanting to annoy me for some reason, one of the three cats I have will want feeding, I’ll feed it, go away, come back, it wants feeding again. I always tell my mother to stop talking to the cats because they can’t understand her however I find myself yelling, “I’VE JUST FED YOU! WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?!” Then I have the dog constantly jumping on me. FFS.
8. I CAN NEVER HOLD ON TO A JOB
If you’ve read my personal blog you’ll know that since starting it I’ve had three jobs and will be starting my fourth next month. For some reason I always seem to sabotage myself, getting the job is easy; it’s gotten to the point that if I act like I don’t care I generally get offered the job but once I have the job I get bored with it after a few months and begin to do stupid shit. It’s not always been this way, I worked in an electronics factory for 4 years before I got fired for insulting the company on Facebook. Then I decided to branch out into customer service, where I’ve told a customer to fuck off, told a boss to piss off and said that a company was shit and walked out. The last three jobs I’ve lost however weren’t my fault but for some reason I find it difficult to work in one place for more than four months!
9. I’M ACCIDENT PRONE
Hold off on the sick buckets folks, that’s not real blood, I just dipped my hand in some beetroot juice for the effect. But it still rings true, I’m extremely accident prone, remember the French Alps I was talking about earlier? In the five weeks I was there I broke my finger when I dropped a bunk bed on it, gashed my wrist dropping a box with a bit of metal sticking out of it, sliced my finger open on a meat slicer, burnt that same finger of a flare on New Years Eve and fractured my ass bone falling on the ice on the way to the pub forcing me to come home. That’s not all as I split my head open on a metal parking sign, broke my hand on a punching bag (more times than I care to mention) and stubbed my little toe on a door frame. Seriously, it’s a wonder how I’m still alive.
10. I’M STRANGE
And finally it may shock you to know that I am extremely strange, some people seem to love it but for some reason I wear toilet seats on my head while I’m out in a pub. Yes that’s right, that toilet seat was out of a bar toilet, do you know where that’s been?! I certainly don’t and it makes me shiver to think the amount of sweaty balls that have touched that seat, and this was from the female toilets! Not just that but I’ll sometimes be sat on my own, get bored and just wrap tape around my face, go for a poo, take a photo of it then send it to a friend; rock back and forth cradling myself while singing Cowboy by Kid Rock… Yet people seem to love me for it so whose the really strange ones out of the two of us?!
This brings us to the end of Peter Howorth: THE OTHER SIDE! As you can see even the most awesome people have their flaws, I mean look at Bill Clinton; yeah he had sex on the sly, but chose that fugly bitch to do it with. There’s always a downside to people.
I just hope that this has given you all insight into your assistant editor.