I Forgot What I Was Going to Write, But I’ve Got A Cure…I Think

by Lorna's Voice

Don’t fret! There’s always a cure for what ails you.

Do you ever forget:

  • to call people back?
  • who you are calling back?
  • what you were going to say?
  • where you put something important (your keys, remote control, wallet, car, loved one)?
  • what you were looking for (same as above)?
  • what you were doing in the middle of doing it?
  • why you were doing it?
  • the name of someone you should know?
  • your name?

Don’t fret! You’re not alone. I can’t remember what proportion of the population suffers from temporary but complete memory loss, but I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere between 0 and 100% (+/- 50% margin of error for those of you who still remember what that means).

Don’t fret! (Did I already say that?) I just read a about a cure. Yes. A real cure.

Don’t fret! (This is sounding slightly annoying but oddly comforting.) I know it’s a real cure because I read it. In a real newspaper advertisement. I can’t remember which newspaper, but I clipped the advertisement that looked exactly like a real article, so it might just as well have been a real article, right? Here it is.

Yes! You read it correctly. A U.S. Surgeon General candidate attests to this memory cure pill. Can you believe it?

Taking this pill “restores up to 15 years of lost memory power in as little as 30 days!” That’s what the subtitle of the headline says. And subtitles never lie. I just wonder which 15 years of memory power it gives you back? If it’s the last 15 years, then I won’t be remembering all that much. If it’s the 15 years I was kerschnockered on vodka most of the time, well, my money is going right down the old draineroo. So I hope the pill has a magic element built into it (like the car on Back to the Future) so I can choose which 15 years of memory power I want to tap into.

Take me back to when I was one year old. My brain was in fine shape back then. It was a new sponge and all my neurons were firing straight (unlike now).

Since the article, um, advertisement was so long and narrow, I didn’t take a picture of the whole thing. Instead, I’ll share with you some of the highlights.

Besides acting like eye-glasses for your memory (making what was once blurry crystal clear), this “non-drug, prescription-free formula” “biochemically coaxes aging brains to function more youthfully, helping to restore the speed, memory abilities and mental powers enjoyed as far back as 15 birthdays ago.” Uh oh. My brain was foggy and dizzy 15 birthdays ago.

Yup. It’s all clear to me now.

Then there’s a picture of an old, white-haired guy in a lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck holding up a big tablet (not an iPad, a vitamin-looking tablet). He’s Robert Heller, M.D. a very old Assistant Clinical Professor at UCLA Geffen School of Medicine, which claims no involvement with this product in very tiny print at the end of the article. Dr. Bob says he takes the pill and feels great! Too bad he doesn’t feel great enough to get a promotion.

That’s him! Dr. Bob! A guy you can trust because he remembers his name.

They also include a picture of the outside of an impressive-looking, but unnamed research facility where the pill has been tested. This looks legit, People.

Then there is a great testimonial my a woman taking the pill who isn’t a doctor. She is smiling and looks great for a 54-year old woman. Before taking the pill, she says she was “declining at an alarming rate.” Maybe she was talking about driving down a steep hill with bad brakes? Anyway, now she sleeps better, is less moody and her husband notices that she’s nicer. She didn’t remember to talk about her memory, though.

Can you believe I’m 54? Me neither! Him either! Speaking of him…do you know who he is? Maybe he can tell me where I left my car. Oh, never mind. I feel so happy, I’ll just skip home. Where ever that is…

A lot of science stuff followed about how taking the pill created new and super-charged neural pathways. I guess they were in your brain. I skipped that part. I was getting bored and their weren’t any pictures.

Finally, as if all this evidence wasn’t enough, the fine people of Who-Knows-Where were offering a FREE bonus bottle of Procera AVH (risk-free) and a FREE book! The book is about brain power exercises like neuron lunges and serotonin squats. It’s a $20 value for FREE! PLUS, if your order is among the 1st 500 orders, you get a free BRAIN DETOX.

Um. No thanks. I think I’ll pass.

The big toll-free number was followed by a disclaimer: “This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent, any disease. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.”

Don’t fret! Memory loss and old age aren’t diseases.

On the other hand…

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22 Comments to “I Forgot What I Was Going to Write, But I’ve Got A Cure…I Think”

  1. Howling funny, woman. You just get better and better. Memory loss seems to be serving you well, lol. Or at least your readers! 🙂 xo

  2. Wow…a candidate for U.S. Surgeon General is behind this stuff but not the FDA (not that I think the FDA is all that). Yeah, I’d have to know which 15 years I would remember too…there’s a big chunk of time in my life that I would just soon forget forever! 🙂 Funny, Lorna…but kinda scary too…

  3. Now this is what I expected to read where my reader told me to look… and the problem now is I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing here… you see I can’t remember… I took that pill and it doesn’t seem to work… but can’t remember if I swallowed it or whether it was pushed upwards…

    • Even with a super-duper pill like this, you probably need more than one before you see improvement in your brain fog, bad mood and general discombobulation. If you still have a hard time tracking me down after taking a whole bottle of these pills, then I suggest that you try drinking this special memory enhancing tea. You have to drink lots of it, but you’ll never forget your way to the bathroom. It works like a charm! 🙂

  4. Lorna, if I could distill your writing, decant it into stylish bottles, find a few stick-on labels, a graphic designer and a backer I’d market your juice as: ‘Laugh Potion’. Guaranteed to keep the corners of any mouth upturned.

    U

  5. These Pills are great.
    The trouble, though, was that I was losing around a year’s worth of memory power a day, so after taking the recomended dose, I was still loosing 15 years of memory power each month! To counteract this, I decided to take twice the dose each day, but all this did was keep my memory power at a constant level. I was so distraught and couldn’t face my bad memory anymore so, in a moment of weakness, I took the whole bottle at once.

    Now I can see through time 😐

  6. Hahahaha. Hey Lorna, I was wondering…uh, give me a sec….um, sometimes people say, “That Simone is one batty broad.” Does anyone ever say the same thing about you? Seriously tho, thanks for writing this. It cracked me up.

  7. I have selective memory loss … tweeting this post 🙂

  8. Does this pill make you larger, make you small, or is it one that Mother gives you?

  9. I didn’t read anything in the fin print (or the large print) about this pill changing your body size, only the size of your brain power–so maybe you think you’re bigger if you take them. I bet there are some other products that work that way, too (if you get my drift–wink, wink). 😉

  10. Psychoanalyst in a bottle? Say it isn’t so. Here I am trying to forget all the stupid, embarrassing things I’ve done in my life and this guy wants to resurrect them so I can feel bad all over again. Ask him to email me, I have a suggestion where he can put his stethoscope instead of around his neck.

    • Given your response, Al. I have a feeling that you don’t need any memory pills to help you remember all those adventures in unfortunate choices you made. But that’s okay, they all make good copy for posts! At least that’s what I do with all the goof-ups I remember! 😉

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