Mayan Apocalypse Report As Seen from Cleveland, OH (A Farce)

by TByrd


Since the early first century, the End of Days has been predicted a staggering 171 time. Since the year 2000 alone, the world should have ended 28 times. That’s 2.33 Apocalypse’s (or is it Apocalypsi?) annually! From Harold Camping, to the Jehovah Witness’s, right down to the far-fetched Y2K, we have seen the End of Days come and go without a single outcome of any significance.

And now we face our latest Apocalyptic Event: The End of the Mayan Long Count Calendar. According to the leading minds in Ass-Hattery, because the Mayan’s were able to calculate the Lunar Cycle with an accuracy of 34 seconds, we now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were 100% correct! Can we afford to be blindsided by this astounding prediction?

They told us when: December 21, 2012. What they didn’t tell us was how!  Fortunately for us all, I have been hot on the trail for the real scoop and I bring it to you now. If you are reading this, then it clearly means the apocalypse had yet to hit your region, but here in Cleveland, Ohio, USA, I have a front row seat to the destruction. Currently, I am safely locked away in my emergency bunker I had installed in my backyard for just such emergencies. I am running on a back-up generator and will continue to post updates as they come in.

00:00 UPDATE – A massive and oddly localized solar storm has been raging across the city. What is curious is that our Sun is supposed to be in a relatively stable state, but I warn you, Gentle Reader: This storm is massive. It is throwing satellites from orbit and causing entire power grids to fail spontaneously. Monitoring the power grid from my post underground I can see it flickering on and off across my region. I’ve also been able to hear several transformers explode, sending my quiet neighborhood into chaos.

02:00 UPDATE – Small earth quakes began to rock the City of Rock and Roll. Monitoring police blotters and the news I’ve been able to discover that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has been destroyed by Lake Erie. Not too much of a tragedy, as nothing good ever came from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Artifacts from the exhibits continue to wash ashore, only to be subject to looting. The Cleveland Brown Stadium is still standing, but no one can be sure how long that will last. Many believe it’s due to the Cleveland Browns having somewhat of a decent season after making a deal with Cthulhu. Burke Lake Front Airport is still standing as well, though all the lovely private jets have been swallowed by the Earth.

04:00 UPDATE – Scanning the military channels there is chatter of strange lights in the sky. These Unidentified objects have been seen hovering over highly populated areas, only to vanish when approached by military planes. I have also learned that there is wide-spread panic on the East Coast. Millions of people are taking to the streets, abandoning their homes and even some pets. My two cats, Rufus and Ezio are currently napping happily in our protected bunker while my husband and I continue to scan for further information on these strange lights. Downtown Cleveland is still in mass chaos, looting and pillaging of Rock and Roll memorabilia has reached a frenzy. While John Lennon’s Gibson guitar on display has caused the death of hundreds, we have learned that the card Ringo gave to Lennon for his birthday remains untouched, indicating that even the Apocalypse fails to make Ringo relevant.

06:00 UPDATE – An aurora has been spotted over Cleveland, clearly indicating the massive effect of the solar storm. As the aurora spreads it is becoming increasingly difficult to monitor and track the strange lights flying overhead. No further information is available at this time on these unidentified objects. We have learned that the President of the United States has been moved to Houston and is currently being loaded into a shuttle to be launched to a safe zone on Mars. Apparently the fiscal cliff will have to wait. In an emergency broadcast from POTUS himself we’ve been notified that he has made a change to his earlier statement: the world is, in fact, coming to an end. He has apologized for any inconvenience and wishes you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Godspeed, Mr. President.

08:00 UPDATE – The Atom-Smasher, or Large Hadron Collider, located near Geneva has been abandoned. A small colony of refugees have taken over residency and are threatening to open a massive black hole if all the world’s remaining supply of Twinkies are not turned over to their possession in the next two hours. John Lennon’s Gibson has been claimed by none other than Jack Black who claims the Pick of Destiny will bring order back to our shattered world. He was last seen fleeing the scene with partner in crime, K.G. Reports indicate that they were spotted with the last remaining Chipotle burrito and a stack of porn. The aurora has subsided slightly, allowing a better visual of the Unidentified Objects. Military intelligence indicates these unidentified objects are capable of speeds greater than Mach 4.  Due to their speeds, it is practically impossible for the military to pursue them.

10:00 UPDATE – Cleveland Brown Stadium has finally fallen into Lake Erie and downtown is slowly being pulled in with it. In a matter of moments the water level will rise, changing the shoreline forever. My small suburb is located on high ground just south west of the Ohio Valley, saving my refuge for the time being.

12:00 UPDATE – A strange broadcast has come over all channels across the globe. At this time, we have been notified that the Mayan God Quetzalcoatl is hovering over our planet followed by a large fleet of Alien vessels. It appears that the Mayan’s were right. He has taken credit for the strange lights in the sky, stating that they were scouting for the very best of the human race to be retrieved before the destruction of the entire planet is to commence. As I type these words my husband is monitoring a craft as it flies over our region. He says it has slowed down and it appears to be hovering over our bunker. All of our equipment is going haywire, the cats are awake and seem to be transfixed on the ceiling, perhaps



4 Comments to “Mayan Apocalypse Report As Seen from Cleveland, OH (A Farce)”

  1. and it is all those lovely people that did their dances and chanting spells of survival that we have to thank that we all survived this disaster. Or was it just a dream, no that is so typical, a dream. It was real, and the amazing thing is that all communication like wifi survived. You may come from your Bunker, those spells and dances worked you are safe. Rise and be counted.

  2. I have too wonder . . . who published the post? How did they get it?

    Obviously, time-traveling monks, as some of the time stamps have yet to come to pass.

    But more important . . . those poor cats!!

  3. Don’t worry, I have a strong feeling the cats were saved by the alien’s as the best examples of the Human species 😉

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