Well, That’s News To Me!

by Lorna's Voice
The crackerjack AARP online newsletter team, waiting for the assignments and their Ensure.

The cracker jack AARP Online Newsletter Team, waiting for their assignments and their Ensure.

I signed up for the AARP online newsletter. Whoo boy, they sure produce lots of newsletters. They must have an army of tech-savvy senior citizens hopped up on Ensure cranking these suckers out, or they are using my annual dues to pay otherwise unemployed teenagers hopped up on the hormones I lost a long time ago to push these puppies out.

Either way, I gets lots of news. And I’m the type of person who likes to share.

Under the headline: Eleven Things We Didn’t Know Last Week, I learned some smackdoodle stuff. I’m not going to share all original 11 with you because I have some of my discoveries I want to share.

1. The legendary Linda Ronstadt “can’t sing a note” anymore. That’s kind of snarky to point out, don’t you think? I mean she’s pushing 70 and has Parkinson’s Disease. I know a lot of young “singers” these days who have to speak/shout more than sing because they can’t carry a tune in a barf bag. Not that I’m being judgmental.

2.  A baldness drug could stop 175 jumbo jets full of men each year from getting prostate cancer. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the convention where all those planes of drugged-up bald men are headed.

This seems like a much safer cure for male-pattern baldness. A bit bulky, but men do like to sit and read the paper...

This seems like a much safer cure for male-pattern baldness. A bit bulky, but men do like to sit and linger while reading the paper…

3. With their brains “linked” via the Internet, a scientist controlled the movements of a colleague blocks away. I wonder what they made him do? Scientists have a strange sense of humor.

4. I made precisely zero progress on my novel. Can writers call themselves writers when they don’t write? When a tree falls in the forest, is it still a tree or is it mulch?

5. The Oxford Dictionaries Online gave new meaning to Anthony Weiner’s selfies and Miley Cyrus’ twerking. I’m all for wordmorphogenesis. Heck fire, language is a living thing–words die, new words are born. If that didn’t happen, how would we feed all the world’s words? I just wish some of my made-up words would catch on. I guess I’m not famous or naughty enough. Yet.

That looks more like a Slinky to me. Jay seem to be enjoying whatever it is.

That looks more like a Slinky to me. Jay seem to be enjoying whatever it is.

6.  New atomic clocks made from ytterbium measure their accuracy in terms of quintillions — that’s 1 followed by 18 zeros. That sounds like something I would make up, but I didn’t.

7. Two tomato plants can produce enough tomatoes to make you wonder why Mother Nature is such a prankster. I’ve eaten so many cherry tomatoes that my electrodes are starting to corrode. If I don’t have electrodes, I’m probably confused, which is probably a symptom of tomato juice running through my blood vessels rather than blood. I’m pretty O+ about this.

8. When it comes to technology, the U.S. Supreme Court “hasn’t really gotten to email.” I don’t think they like to talk to each other, period.

Don't feel bad, we can't even name each other.

Don’t feel bad, we can’t even name each other.

9. The Federal Government Grants Department and the Federal Grant Association don’t give out grants. Yup. Makes perfect sense to me.

10. A New Hampshire man was arrested when police recognized his reflection in YouTube videos he posted describing his indoor marijuana farm. You just never know when your video will change your life. Gotta love You Tube.

11. I won’t be posting around here on Sundays any more. At least not for a while. I have a novel to finish–the one I’m writing and the one I’m reading.

This was my totally round-about way of saying good-bye to you. Bet you didn’t see that one coming!

I'm a really good hugger, too, but we're not close enough for that, so the wave will have to do.

I’m a really good hugger, too, but we’re not close enough for that, so the wave will have to do.

It’s been fun, but you’re writers, so you know. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, writers gotta stop finding ways to procrastinate. And write. I’ll be keeping up my blog over at Lorna’s Voice, so if you really miss me, you can find me over there.

Take care and all the best on your writing projects! And you never know when I might make a come back…

Okay. So I don't have his swarthy good looks, but if he can make a successful comeback, I sure can.

Okay. So I don’t have his swarthy good looks, but if he can make a successful comeback after all the shenaniganery he’s pulled, I sure can.

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7 Responses to “Well, That’s News To Me!”

  1. brilliant exit,, you certainly know how wiggle away through the exit door..keeping it open like I am is a great idea…;)

  2. Best of luck in your writing endeavor.

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