I’ve had some pretty strange (and even traumatic) experiences of late, and they had left me in that unfortunate and frozen state called “depression”. One of the things that happened was I had that dreadful sense of…nothing. I wanted nothing, I hoped for nothing. As long as nothing happened, I had a strange sense of comfort. Very weird, but felt right.
Inherently Blue… Even in the Happiest of times…
It’s interesting, even though I’ve always been a pretty quiet guy, and as a kid, I had my share of times where I just felt down… Often related to going to Public School, where I really just never fit in. Partly because my Mom had let my Brother and I miss more than the average amount of School, thus causing kids to Mock us, and in truth, envy us.
And partly because, I don’t know, I was shy, and more of a Watcher than anything else. Perhaps that’s why I feel I have some Human Behavioral Insights when it comes to Film Making, and maybe Writing, I’m not sure. I watched, but I also cared.
Unlike my Younger Brother, and one of my Sisters, I do not loathe the human race. Not to say they don’t have friends, or love their Family… Because they do… More than most people I know. But they are also quick to Judge Humans as a Species. Maybe most do… But not me.
Maybe it’s partly because of how I think of things in general… I don’t play the Numbers game, and when I say that, what I mean is I don’t “Throw The Baby Out with the Bath Water” as it were.
When I pursued Film Making, I couldn’t talk to many people about it, as their common response would be something like “Do you know the Odds of actually making it as a Film Maker?”. Though I heard this even more directed towards Actors, or Professional Athletes. But I gotta be honest with you, and I hope I don’t offend any readers that read this, but I suppose that’s the Risk you take as a Writer sometimes… And that is, in my opinion, that whole type of Philosophy is basically Self Defeatism…
Being a man that Loves Math… Yes, how many people have you met that say that… But I do. And that said, it comes down to this.
No matter how many people don’t end up making it Professionally at a Chosen Career, the Bottom Line is, Some do.
I guess it comes down to that Philosophy that states, if 1% of Million People that try to achieve a chosen field succeed, that’s 10,000 people that will Succeed. If all one million of those people decide to throw in the the towel without ever trying, guess how many will succeed.
Now imagine having a Conversation with those 10,000 People, asking em questions like “Do you like what you do?”. Chances are, most will say yes.
Now that I think about it, the Signature at the End of my E-mails used to be “Never Tell Me The Odds – Han Solo (The Empire Strikes Back). And it’s the same thing. Han Solo survived that Asteroid Field, did he not? lol
But lets move on… I consider myself a pretty happy person… Not go lucky… And yes, I was that kid that the Step Mom always tried to get to actually smile. These efforts were in vain. I am not “Go Lucky”, I am not “Giddy”… And chances are, you wont find me “Singing in the Rain” swinging from Lamp Posts, lol. Though Gene Kelly is one of my Favorite all time Entertainers.
But you will find me Standing in the Rain, Hands out, Eyes Closed, Looking up into the Sky… Because frankly, I love the Rain.
I actually Wrote a Play once called “Stranger in the Dark“. I basically Wrote it after I had recently been Married (as I was for one year), and was Actively Pursuing Writing and Film Making… I was in all respects, Happy.
My Wife had to go out of town for Business for some 10 days, and during that time I Wrote both my “White Jade” Screenplay, and this Play, “Stranger in the Dark”.
What “Stranger in the Dark” was basically about, was a man, who by all rights, was Happy… And yet he was going through some minor form of Depression. In this Play the Characters Scalded, and Chastised him for “Feeling a bit Blue”, being he had everything going for him in his life. He was in love, he was pursuing his Film Making Career, he was Healthy… So by what Right did he feel Blue…
And that’s just it… In my Opinion, those that are Happy All The Time, are more than likely experiencing some form of Denial, or are simply Pent up inside.
Now I’m not a Pessimist… And I’m not saying that you can’t be “Good Spirited” as part of your Personality… I’m just saying, that Sadness is as Natural a Thing, as any other Emotion that you might be feeling…
Sadness, much like Anger, is frankly, an “Uncomfortable” Emotion… And that’s it. Sorry to all of those people who feel Anger is a Bad thing… It’s just not. In Fact, if anything, it’s an “Alarm” that something should be looked at.
A hand full of years back I went through some Trauma, and afterwords I would feel these very “Uncommon” to me “Waves of Anger” go through me. Now when I say “Uncommon”, what I mean is, I had never really been a very Angry Person. I’m mellow, what can I say, and Accepting of most things Life has Thrown at me. It’s just who I am.
However, during this period, these Waves would hit me, and I just didn’t like how it felt. And so I decided to do a bit of Research about Anger, something I had never really studied, as, it was just infrequent that I ever was… Angry.
And what I found is this… In most cases, “Anger” has to do with one’s “Needs“.
Following this Logic, the next time you feel Angry about something… Make a Conscious Effort to sit down, and try to determine, What it is You Need?
Trust me, I did this every time the Waves hit, and once I determined what it was I needed, and in some cases that “Need” was as simple as not to be around the person you were talking to… Or… The “Need” to discuss something in particular.
The “Angry Feelings” would slowly start to subside. It was Amazing, and. It’s something I never would have known anything about, if I hadn’t done all the Research on Line about it that I did.
Ah, but I’ve Rambled On enough, lol. In the End, I’m one of the Happiest People I know… But still, in times of Silence, I sometimes do start to Feel A Bit Blue… Whether I have reason to, or not.
Do yourself a Favor and Simply “Respect” any Feelings that come over you… Because believe it or not, Every Emotion Serves a Purpose… Otherwise, why else would it be a Part of who we are?
Welcome to Human-Hood.
Thanks for Reading/Listening